Just Want to Be a Mom

Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T15:21:00.003-04:00

I wish everyone who has been blessed a Happy Mother's Day. And I wish for all of you who are waiting patiently for those miracles that next year is the one for you. I am blessed for my son, but I know how hard it is to feel that it "should be you" and even though I am here today, I still feel like I don't belong. I feel like I am cheating.

2 Months & Heartbroken

2010-04-14T23:51:00.006-04:00

I am sorry for all of you out there who have been following along that I have not posted in awhile (a month i guess already) but I have had a really hard month. Just 5 days after my baby Ryan turned 1 month my Dad died. I have been meaning to post this for awhile but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. If I did, then it would be real. I would have put it into words. I know that must sound silly because he has been gone now for just about a month and I went through the motions of everything (making the arrangements, the wake, the funeral) but I just wasn't ready to write it out there for the world to have it be definite. I miss him so much. I can't even describe how close we were. My Mom has lost her best friend and soul mate (they were married for 36 years) and can't bring herself to live in her home. She has been staying at my house and has decided to make it permanent. This is not the first death I have had to deal with. I have had the expected Grandparents times 3 and I lost my brother two years ago, but this is soooo different. This just feels so final. My parents were staying with us when it happened (they had no power and we did) I talked to him literally an hour before it happened. I still can't believe it. He had been sick but we all thought he was on the right track. He went to sleep and that was it. They believe he had a pulmonary embolism. I am just so THANKFUL that Ryan came early and he got to meet him. Obviously that is why he came early...someone upstairs had that planned out. I have a voicemail saved on my cell phone from my Dad where he is telling me that he Loves Me. I can't tell you how many times I have listened to it. Okay, I can't write anymore right now.

One Month Picture!!!

2010-03-11T12:08:00.002-05:00

I still can't believe that my little man is here, let alone that he turned one month old yesterday 3/10/10!!

Baby Pic!!

2010-02-22T21:08:00.003-05:00

This is Ryan at 2 days old!!!! He is so serious....he is staring intently at me (don't mind my nose on the far right of the picture) And just look at all that hair!!! It's definitely true about heartburn=lots of hair.

Baby Has Arrived!!!

2010-02-11T23:05:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I'm going to make this quick, because I need to go to bed, But I had the Baby yesterday 2/10/10 in the middle of a blizzard in NJ. "HE "weighed in at 5lbs 10oz and 17 1/2 inches long and was born exactly at 10:12am. Yes, you heard me correctly, IT'S A BOY!!!!

I was having really bad back spasms that started Monday afternoon. I was advised by my doctor to do whatever I had to do to keep comfortable, and because of my blood pressure issue, we had moved up the C-Section date from 3/4 to 2/20. He prescribed Tylenol with codeine for me and it only helped me to get sleep for about 4 hours that night. I woke up in tremendous pain and then starting cramping (contractions). I called the Dr. about 6 am and he told us to go directly to the hospital. The baby was fine, we were listening to the heartbeat but I was still having contractions. The baby had dropped some so they weren't sure what to do until they did an ultrasound and found blood in the placenta. They quickly decided it was time to deliver and literally 22 minutes later my beautiful baby Boy was born.

I am in some discomfort, but it's not horrible. In fact, I have taken no pain meds except for Motrin and I have been up walking. Our baby is doing great, but he is in the Special Care Nursery because he was born early (week 35) and is considered preemie. He is also spitting up alot with each feeding and then sometimes after so they still have him on iv fluids. We are hopeful to have him in the regular nursery and therefore allowed in our room by tomorrow. Although we can go to him whenever, I still hate being apart from him. He is beautiful and I just can't explain how much love DH and I have for our son. He is truly our miracle baby (an angel sent from Heaven) and it finally feels like our family is complete. I will post pictures as soon as I can. But, for now I am going to rest. I am planning to be there for his 5:30am EST feeding. I am completely in awe of him every time I see him. He is ours and He is here and He is perfect!

Baby Shower!

2010-02-03T23:58:00.002-05:00

This past weekend was my Baby Shower! My Mom threw it for me and it was perfect. I am so Thankful and Blessed to have such wonderful Family and Friends. I was able to get all of my big ticket items i.e. pack n'play's, stroller, 2 car seats, swing and loads of cute little clothes and towels and diapers, etc. One thing my baby will have is plenty of outfits to wear on St. Patrick's Day! :0) I will definitely have to post pics. Instead of a wishing well, they had a book case fully decorated for the baby and everyone was asked to bring a book and write words of wisdom to me & DH / the baby. What a great idea!!! We now have loads of books and it was so much fun reading through the sweet thoughts from our dearest friends and family which will certainly be treasured forever. I cried hard core twice during the shower. Damn hormones!!! I don't know really what happened, but I was opening a gift that had these adorable booties on the outside of the box and I lost it. I just still can't believe that this is happening. I have only Just Wanted to Be a Mom and its REALLY HAPPENING!!! This is crazy. I am so happy and eager to meet my little miracle but also scared as Hell!! :0) I know its selfish, but I am mostly worried about the pain from the C-Section. Other than that I just can't wait to know if its a boy or girl and get on with the next stage.

At my OB appt last week they found some more protein in my urine and sent me for another 24 collection. I am really becoming quite the pro! Anyways, I have my next appt tomorrow and will get the results then. Tomorrow is also the 28 day count down!!! Can you believe it? Only 4 weeks til our little one will be with us. I think I will definitely miss the feeling of my baby inside of me. Something that we share..just the two of us...but I know DH is dying to hold the baby and I know that we are both anxious to see their beautiful face!!! Hope all is well with everyone and its was so nice to meet some new people during ICLW and to have some new followers. I will try not to let you down and keep our story going. Fingers crossed my test went well and tomorrow the Dr. will tell me we are still on par for March 4, 2010.

ICLW & BED REST

2010-01-21T13:55:00.002-05:00

Welcome all ICLW'ers!! My story is pretty straight forward (there is a time line on the right hand side). DH and I had been trying for over 2 years to get pregnant with no success. When we were tested for IF DH was diagnosed with azoospermia. He had the MESA procedure done and we found the swimmers!!! Before we started IVF I had the HSG done only to determine that one of my tubes was blocked!!! UGH!!! After my surgery we had to wait just about a month for recovery and then it was onto IVF. We were blessed to have it work the first time and although one of my two blastocysts that were implanted split into two and we thought for a short time we were going to have triplets, only one survived (our tiny miracle) who is due on March 4, 2010 via a C-Section. We do not know the sex of the baby, although DH swears it will be a girl (I think because he would love to have a son! :0) But we will just have to wait to find out.

I have been also blessed, it seems, to experience every symptom/side effect of pregnancy. I had extremely bad morning sickness and was on medicine for almost all of my pregnancy. Actually until just recently. I was hospitalized with kidney stones, have heartburn (as soon as I am ready to go to bed :0)) And now I am experiencing high blood pressure which has caused me to be placed on half day bed rest. I am officially done working and out on disability. All of my blood work came back fine (THANK GOD!) and my 24 hour urine collection test (not fun btw) checking my protein levels also came back good. However, my blood pressure keeps roller coastering. i.e. yesterday morning it was 154/97 however this morning it was 131/83. They are hoping that with the bed rest it will keep under control. I am just Thankful that it is not preeclampsia. According to my OB, blood pressure starts to rise around 34 weeks so for me (which is next week) they are really going to monitor it and if it gets out of control anymore they will either medicate me or arrange to do the C-Section earlier.

To all the ICLW participants: Welcome!!! I look forward to meeting all of you and Thank You in advance for stopping by!!!

Preeclampsia...REALLY???

2010-01-13T10:25:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to give everyone a quick update. DH and I went on our tour of the hospital which was fun. And there was one other woman in our group who is having a c-section so the tour guide was nice enough to explain to both of us in detail what to expect. I was very thankful for that. I still can't believe that this is happening so soon. 50 days and counting!!!!

Now most of you are wondering about my title for this post. Well, they are testing me for preeclampsia. I have been going to my reg Dr. once a week for my back ever since my kidney stone. He performs slight adjustments and stretches to keep the back pain at a min. I had mentioned to him one of the weeks awhile back that my blood pressure was high that day at the OB so he started monitoring it as well. Well, this past Monday when I was with my reg Dr. (it is the week I don't go to the OB) he checked my pressure and it was way too high for his liking. (142/90) He did an urine sample to check for protein and it appears I have trace protein in my urine as well. (another sign of preeclampsia). He wanted me to call the OB first thing in the morning as he felt I should go to them sooner than next week. Of course, he was right. They wanted to see me right away.

So, here is the deal....I am home today from work as I need to collect my urine for a full 24 hours and then take it to the lab. The OB says that when you do the quick sampling in the office the amount of protein can be skewed if I have had any water right before (which I did in both cases) their office and my reg doc the night before. In both cases it was just traces of protein which is a good sign, but my blood pressure is still relatively high. I was told to buy a blood pressure machine and take my pressure twice a day for the next two days. I then have to call in my numbers. I also went for blood work yesterday as they want to see what is going on with my kidneys I believe. I had been having a lot of swelling (in fact I have removed my wedding rings and replaced them with crappy rings from Kohls as they were way too tight and cutting off circulation). Apparently the heavy swelling is also another symptom. UGH!! Anyways, now we sit and wait and try to relax. Relax, yeah right!!!

I am furious which is of course not helping my blood pressure. All I wanted to do was get pregnant and be a Mom and I feel like it has been nothing but craziness this whole pregnancy. I was sick as a dog, heartburn, kidney stones, back pain, and now this??? I know that I should be happy to just be able to experience this but c'mon! I just want something to go smoothly. Of course my hormones are out of control as well and I can fall off the wagon very quickly with my attitude. DH and I have been at each other's throats, well mainly me picking a fight with him. This is his very busy time at work and he has been coming home no earlier than 10pm every night and I am angry. I want him to be here with me keeping me calm and he can't be. And, I know that with this economy I should just be happy that he is working and has a stable and safe job but I am selfish and I need him. He is my rock. He makes me laugh and smile and feel like we can do anything together. And when he is not here and I am living in my own head, no good comes from it. I over analyze and panic. Not a good combination for a girl who is trying to keep her nerves at bay.

Anyways, I did my pressure this morning and it was 131/87. And I have come to the conclusion that I don't drink enough during the day as my urine jug should have more in it by now. But, who am I, what do I know?

As soon as I know what is going on I will post...who knows, maybe my little one will be here before originally planned!

Merry Christmas!!!

2009-12-24T11:38:00.002-05:00

I don't know if I will be back on the computer after today for a few days so I just wanted to say,

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful day and that they get everything they want from Santa and more!

Results & C-Section

2009-12-23T16:04:00.004-05:00

So my sugar was excellent. It was 81. Thank God! I was very nervous about it because I have a bit of a sweet tooth, but all went well. And, as I mentioned in my last post, we set up the C-Section. The baby will be born March 4, 2010. The surgery is scheduled right now for 10am (we have to be there at 8:30am. It is crazy!!! I still can't believe it. DH is going to attempt to paint the nursery this weekend if he doesn't wind up having to work and the furniture is due to come in the first week in Jan. This is really happening. I am amazed everyday and so very Thankful that this is happening.

We did the Baby Care class at the hospital and it was pretty informative. DH and I knew a lot of the information but it was still very interesting. I liked that they went over bottle feeding (as most likely that is what I will be doing) they showed a cheesy 1970's safety video and talked to us about what paperwork we would have to fill out at the hospital after the birth so that we would be prepared. They talked too about the safety precautions taken at the hospital so as to ensure that our babies are completely safe from abduction, which I very much liked. The people however in our class were absolute morons! :0) I say that as lovingly as possible. But it truly was amazing to me how some people just have no clue about babies at all.

We are going for our tour of the hospital and labor & delivery unit on Jan 2, 2010. I can't wait for that too. I am so very excited. It's all too surreal for me. I am not going to lie, some days are very exciting and others leave me extremely fearful. It's going to be such a major change. Are we ready? Will we be good parents? Will we fail? Will I have enough patience? Will I go back to smoking? It's incredible how many thoughts go through my brain. lol

Gluclose Tolerance Test & Baby Care Class & Stress

2009-12-16T14:02:00.003-05:00

This past Monday I went for my 1 hour GTT. It was nothing that I had anticipated. For some reason I thought that the drink was going to be thick and chalky and it was not at all. It was this tiny 10oz iced cold bottle of orange liquid. It really did not taste bad at all either. I would describe it as a bit sweeter but similar to the juice left at the bottom of a Flavor Ice. The hour went by very quickly, DH went with me to keep me company, and I have not heard the results yet. I am going with the theory of "NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS".

Last night, DH and I went to our Baby Care Class at the hospital. I was really hoping to meet some couples, but that did not happen. Many of them were not our type of people and most kept to themselves. It was okay though. We ran through a lot of information in our 3 hour class. Everything from diaper changing, swaddling, safety, what forms we would get at the hospital, circumcision (which apparently with some insurance companies now is being deemed cosmetic surgery) Do you believe that? feeding, sleep habits, soothing the baby and what babies look like when they come out and when to be or not to be concerned. It was crazy. I was exhausted by the end. I am happy we went though, at the very least it was exciting to see the babies on the videos and learn some new things.

I am not done Christmas shopping ( I am stressing about this slightly); Our dog has to go to the vet this weekend as the poor thing has an ear infection; I have to make 6 dozen cookies over the weekend for a cookie swap at work; I have two doctor appts on Monday and am also supposed to go look at locations for the Bridal Shower for my best friend's wedding next year on Monday and I still need to decorate my tree that has been up since December 4th with lights but no decorations. Oh and yes, did I forget to mention that this year we decided to move Christmas Eve celebrations from my parents house to our house? WTH were we thinking???? :0) My head feels like it might explode, not to mention that by the time I get home from work I am exhausted and don't want to do anything but lay on the couch with my achy feet up! Oh and I just remembered I need to call and make appts for a pediatrician and get my x-rays from the surgeon who did my back surgery to give to the OB so they know that I can have the epidural/spinal when I go for my C-Section. UGH!!!! Somehow, someway everything will get done, but for right now I am too tired to think about it.

A LONG TIME COMING UPDATE!

2009-12-10T11:22:00.003-05:00

So when I started this blog in the midst of despair and denial I searched frantically through the blogs trying to find anyone, someone who understood. Then I turned my sights on finding bloggers who had been through our situation and had made it through to the other side. I did find some, but with most of the "exact" situations the bloggers had stopped blogging. I was very disappointed as I wanted to hear all the good news. I wanted to hear about the babies and how pregnancy was and what to expect if I made it and was left with nothing. I mention this as I was talking to a friend of mine (IRL) and realized that that is exactly what I had done. I have no real reason for not writing except that I felt horrible writing about all the pregnancy stuff when most of you were still struggling. I may be a little crazy (pregnancy brain and all) but it finally hit me that maybe, just maybe, there were people out there looking at blogs and who had found mine and then, like me, was left in the dust. For those people, I AM SO SORRY! I AM HERE!! I have been reading along with most of my blog friends, just not updating. I am going to make a much better attempt from now on to blog, even if it is just a line or two.

Okay, so here it goes. I am 26 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The doctors know the gender of the baby but DH and I decided a long time ago not to find out if it was only one baby and stuck to it, although I almost caved right before our scan. This made registering quite difficult as most items are very gender specific. And of course when I found things that I liked, i.e. with cute puppies on them they were mostly blue. C'mon! Can't girls like puppies too! :0) Anyways, we have ordered our nursery furniture which is due to arrive the first week of the new year. We have picked out paint for the nursery (2 colors actually) I have to put the samples on the walls and see which one I like best. But, they are both in the light green and light green mixed with blue color palate (appropriate for either sex). My DH is looking to have that done before the furniture arrives. I am fairly certain my shower will be in mid-late January. My Mom is throwing my shower, with the help of my sister-in-law and best friend. I am looking forward to it. At my last appointment the baby was doing great; the heartbeat was at 150. My iron is apparently a little low (not new for me) and the doctor put me on a once a day iron supplement. Which is gross! :0) Oh, and on Halloween I spent one night in the hospital with kidney stones! It was so painful and awful but the baby was just fine (my top priority of course). I am going to sign DH and I up for a trip to visit the Labor and Delivery Unit (although we were there on Halloween) but I would like an official trip and I am contemplating signing us up for the Infant Care Class. We have both been around lots and lots of babies so I am not concerned about it too much, but this way I figure we can be around and meet other couples who are expecting. Right now we are the only ones of our friends to be pregnant. Some have small children, some are due to get married next year and some are in just the beginning of relationships.

We are having some difficulty with picking names. Another downfall of not knowing the gender! :0) We have picked out a few girls names (that seemed to be easy for us) but we are really struggling with boys names. I have always loved Aiden (I am a big fan of Jon & Kate Plus 8) and he was my favorite little man. But, it seems like everyone we know, who recently had a boy, named him Aiden. I don't want to jump on the popular name bandwagon, so I think I will have to give it up. Any suggestions?? We are more than appreciative.

My final update is that we picked the date of our C-Section (well I should say MY C-Section)!!!! LOL Our Baby will be born March 4, 2010. We were given two dates to choose from, based on my doctor preference, and went with the 4th. You see, my birthday is May 4th, my Mom is June 4th, and one of my cousins is Nov 4th so it seemed only fitting to keep the Birthday 4's alive. It is very exciting and at the same time scary as hell! :0) I mean, this is really happening! Now there is an official end date. I hope everyone is well. And, I will be in touch soon!

Time Flies!

2009-10-15T12:05:00.002-04:00

So, I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post. Everything is pretty status quo. I am still having some morning sickness, which I have resigned to believe that I will have until this child comes out! :0) But, its okay. I have only gained a total of 9 pounds with this pregnancy (thank you for the sickness) and the doc says that I am right on schedule for weight gain. I really wouldn't care about the gain, but one of my best friends is getting married next June (just 3 short months after the baby is due) and I am the Maid of Honor and need to fit into my dress. :0) I have started to feel the baby move, which is incredible!!! The first few times the baby was hitting a nerve so it made me jolt. Very cute!!! DH and I have started looking at baby things. It was a bit overwhelming in Babies R' Us. How do I know what we need? Why is everything so expensive? Do I really need a car seat with air bags? :0) I am sure we will figure it out, one step at a time. I go for my 20 week scan Monday 10/26/09 where we can find out the sex, but we don't want to know. I was waivering a bit, but have stuck my ground we will definitely not find out until the little one comes. Other than that, everything else is good. I don't know what to do about work though. DH and I had always said that I would stay home after the baby was born (financially we could do it), but I am having a hard time deciding if I won't pull my hair out without having a day or two to myself. Is that being selfish? What time off am I entitled to anyway? UGH I am sure that I am making this harder than it is! :0)

NT Screen & Vivid Dreams

2009-09-05T13:16:00.002-04:00

So, the test on Thursday went better than I could have ever expected. They did a scan of the baby (the first one I have had done outside my vagina!) And, it hurt a little (they press down some) but it was amazing. The baby had its arms behind its head like it was just relaxing by the pool! lol So cute!! The tech said everything looked great and she let us hear the heartbeat. It was 162bpm. The doctor came in and told me that originally our chance of Down's was 1 out of 700 due to my age but based off of what he saw with the ultrasound that it went up to 1 out of 1300 (something like that). I then had to have blood drawn which is no biggie and then they actually gave me a present. It was a weekly planner. Very cool. I have to go for more blood work towards the end of this month and then October 26, 2009 I go back to them for a Level 2 scan which is when they will check the fingers and toes and lips. Can't wait!!! We got a perfect profile picture of the baby. You can see its nose and arms and legs and big belly! So cute!!

Side note: My morning sickness is starting to improve...not great but we are getting there. The newest symptom though is weird, vivid dreams? Does anyone or has anyone else had this before?
Oh yeah, and I know I keep promising to post pictures, but I will definitely try and make that our project for the weekend...I told you I have to have DH help!!! Happy Labor Day everyone!!!

The Duggars Strike Again!!!

2009-09-01T12:57:00.003-04:00

I can't believe it!! They announced this morning that they are expecting Baby 19!!!!! WTH!!!! They are going to be grandparents next month and then parents again in March. That is my Baby Month!!! :0) I was floored by this; I don't know why, but it makes me so angry!!!

I haven't thrown up today!!! WHOO HOO!!!!!!!!! (although I thought I might after hearing the Duggar news! =P) So far a good sign. I actually bought some maternity clothes yesterday. I tried on a pair of pants and started crying in the dressing room. I don't know what happened, I think it was just reality really setting in. My Mom just laughed and held me as the hormones took over! :0) I am really looking forward to seeing the baby again on Thursday. I will post after and let you all know how it went.

I Am Still Here

2009-08-26T12:28:00.002-04:00

I can't believe its been so long since my last post. I am sorry for not writing sooner I have really just felt that bad. My morning sickness has been awful even with the prescription the doctor gave me. Most days and nights I just bawl my eyes out! Mainly in frustration. Well, today was an exciting day though. I woke up not feeling sick and I was actually able to brush my teeth without gagging!!! YEAH!! I don't want to jinx it, but I am hoping that this is a sign of continued normalcy. I have been to the OB a couple of times and am still amazed every time I see the baby. I can't believe how much its grown!! It actually looks like a baby now! Although kind of a freaky baby with just eye sockets! :0) I will try and post a pic soon; I have to have DH help me. I got to hear the heartbeat at the last visit and that was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. It was so fast! The doc said it sounded like a female heart! We shall see. I go for my NT on Sept 3. I really am not thrilled about the test, but def looking forward to seeing the baby again. I can't believe it...I will be 12 weeks on Saturday!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! =D

The Verdict...

2009-07-30T10:34:00.002-04:00

Okay, so we went for our u/s on Tuesday and it appears that the RE "thinks" its a singleton pregnancy!!

The baby grew so much in just one week...it's so cute! It looks like a peanut so that is its new name!! :0)

The third sac was completely empty and the second sac had an embryonic pole but appeared to have no growth so that is why the RE said he "thinks". We are very happy! I am so excited. I actually got to see the heartbeat this time and still can't believe it. I kept looking at DH saying, "Do you see it? (even though he was looking right at it) and "Can you believe it?" With this huge smile on my face. I can't wait to go to the OB and see the baby again. I go for my first appt on August 17Th.
I am doing somewhat better with the morning sickness. It appears to really be bad at night now. And, I am exhausted!!! I have been in bed sound asleep by 10 every night. It is really getting me off track with my TV shows and giving my dvr a workout!!! :0)

Thank you to everyone for your sweet words and support...I would be lost without you!!!

Morning Sickness is Horrific!!!!

2009-07-25T08:51:00.003-04:00

I went to bed Wednesday night feeling normal and my happy pregnant self, but woke up Thursday a whole new constantly nauseous person!! I can't handle this. This is crazy. I threw up twice Thursday morning and did not go to work. I have not thrown up since then, but just feel like I can at any given moment. It actually woke me up yesterday at 5:30am and my wonderful DH brought me dry toast and ginger ale in bed. I am dying. Between the heartburn and the nausea I don't know which one is worse. This has totally thrown me for a loop. I guess I didn't realize it could come on so fast without any warning. I don't know why this happens, but it is very cruel. There is nothing joyful about this at all!! :0(

Okay, that was my vent, and now I can say that I do consider it a blessing. I know that by having it things are progressing somewhat normally. I just hope it doesn't stay around long! :0)

Side note: I am 7 weeks today!!!

Drumroll Please............................

2009-07-21T21:41:00.004-04:00

So, it's official we are definitely pregnant! How many? We still don't know for sure! As is our "way" there is some drama. There is definitely one embryo with a heartbeat that we saw. Well, I should say DH saw, for some reason I didn't see it, but I digress. It appears that the second blastocyst that we transferred SPLIT!!!! There were two more sacs, but unfortunately none had an embryo in them. The RE wants me to come back next Tues for another u/s to see if there is any development. He did not sway us in either direction, he just said to stick to the facts. So here they are:

1. We definitely have a Singleton pregnancy
2. The second blastocyst split and we could have twins or triplets!
3. The development of twins can be slow and it is still early on as I am only 6wks 3dys as of today

HOLY COW!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are both super excited! I am thrilled to have fought the IF and won (at least so far)! We both feel blessed that it worked the first time and consider it a miracle. We know that we have control of nothing and feel that whatever is supposed to be, will be. So, for now, another week of waiting!!!

Torture!!!

2009-07-18T14:11:00.002-04:00

Holy Crap this wait is killing me!! I have been trying to hold off posting until the ultrasound, mainly because absolutely nothing is going on, but I just can't take it anymore. I am totally spazing out! I know, I know its only 3 days away but UGH!!!! I just want to know what is going on. I just want to make sure that all of this is not a dream. I am petrified that we will get there and they will say, "Oh so sorry, there is nothing!" My DH keeps yelling at me to be calm and to stay positive. He knows that everything is okay. I sorta do, but its hard with IF...always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wonder if I will ever feel safe with this pregnancy. I read a blog where the woman had bought her own Doppler to hear the baby at home. Do you think that that is too much?

Anyways, I am reading along with everyone's blogs as best as I can. You are all in my prayers for whichever stage you are at. I will definitely update on Tuesday after the ultrasound. I still can't believe this is happening!!! :0)

BETA #2

2009-07-08T11:38:00.004-04:00

800 !!!!!

OMG!!! I guess this is happening. I can't believe it!!! We are so happy!! As my DH said, "I AM OVER THE MOON!!" AHHHH!!!

The u/s is scheduled for 7/21/09. I can't wait to see how many are in there!! This is crazy!!!!!!!!

Beta #1

2009-07-06T11:46:00.002-04:00

Nurse called...POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST....BETA # is...................314!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I go back Wednesday morning to see if the numbers have doubled!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our 2 Blastocyst Miracles!!!

2009-06-27T19:08:00.003-04:00

Hey Everyone!
Sorry I haven't been on but I have been enjoying my bed rest and we unfortunately do not have a laptop. Well, yet anyways :0) When we arrived to the RE on Thursday, DH and I were taken into a room where I was instructed to get undress (bra could stay on) and put the gown and cap on. We were very confused as we had no update on the embies, so I turned to DH and said, "I guess we are doing this!"

Moments after getting ready the doc comes in and says that we made the right decision; we had only two left but they had made it to the blastocyst stage. He handed us a picture of them...they really are precious, had us sigh some papers and asked DH to leave. "I am so excited!" was the last thing I said to DH as he left. I layed there feeling excited and nervous. It was not pleasant. I knew it would be somewhat painful, but first as it turns out my cervix was very tight. Then, the RE says, "Melissa, it's just not working out perfect and it needs to be perfect. I need to bring another nurse in to assist with a "pinching" tool. I am so sorry. I really am sorry this is going to hurt, but it must be perfect." Well, okay. I was still scared but happy that he wanted to get it just right. OMG!!! The pain was awful. About 2 minutes in (which seemed like an eternity) I actually almost yelled out FORGET IT! I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!! and it was then that I heard my Mom in my ear telling me to BE STRONG! That is something she tells me all the time when I act like a child...when you have kids you will need to be the strong one. So, that is what I did. I imagined holding my baby in my arms and before I knew it, it was done. They double checked the catheter to make sure they were out, and removed all the tools. They told me I had to lay there for 30 minutes and then I could get dressed and go right home for my 48 hours of bed rest. They allowed DH to come sit with me and the 30 minutes flew by!

So, since Thursday I don't really feel pregnant :0) I still can't believe they are in there and I keep willing them to "STICK" around. I have had some minor cramping and lots of gas and some discharge. Sorry, too much information!!! :0) LOL But, I was wondering if that was normal? I have so many questions...i.e. is transferring a blastocyst a better chance of this working? How long until they implant? When should I feel pregnant or not (fingers crossed that is not the case) I go for my 1st beta 7/6/09. I can't wait...I am dying to know if they have made a home...my two tiny miracles.

Transfer??

2009-06-24T14:54:00.002-04:00

Okay, so it's been a really hard couple of days. As per my previous post, I was waiting for a call back from the doctor's office to tell me what "strong" meant for my fertilized babies :0) They explained that the 5 were right where we wanted them to be cell count wise, but that they were not sure if I would transfer on tues (3dy) or Thurs (5dy). She said if I had had 10 eggs she would know certainly it would be a 5dt and if I only had 2 or 3 if would be a definite 3dt, but because I was on the cusp with 5 she was not sure and that she would call me at 7:30am Tuesday to tell me what to do. At exactly 7:25am she called to tell me that they had not grown as well as she was hoping and that the RE wanted me to come in and discuss our options. Oh, yeah did I tell you that I was completely freaking out and crying all day Monday?!?!?! It was so weird. I am not feeling negative, just over protective.

So, DH and I go to see the RE who tells us that he recommends waiting for the 5dt so that he can clearly pick out the strongest ones. Right now its just a crap shoot. As of Tuesday, we had 3 that were at 5 cell and 2 that were at 4 cell. They should have been at 6 and 8 cell...so they were a little behind. My Mom made me laugh cause she said that of course they were lazy, they were mine. And, she also joked that there is always drama surrounding everything we do, why wouldn't our kids be the same way! LOL That made me laugh. She is so funny. But, anyway, the RE said that that was his recommendation but we had to understand that the consequence could be that none would survive til Thursday. UGH!!! He gave us the option of being aggressive and putting all 5 in yesterday, or just 4 or just 3 or just 2, but said that he wouldn't be able to give us any sort of success rates or really any info because he just does not know. We decided after deliberation to wait til Thursday. So, we go tomorrow for the transfer at 10:15am. The RE told me that they will not look at them until Thursday morning so as to not stress them out anymore. So, we shall see what happens when we get there. This is insane!!! It is amazing to me how fragile life is....day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute.

Retrieval Results!

2009-06-22T13:39:00.002-04:00

I am sorry I haven't written sooner, but I wanted to have some information to provide. And I am sure all of you have been waiting patiently to hear my measly little story, but anyways, the RE retrieved 16 eggs on Saturday. I was thrilled to the gills as they originally said they saw anywhere between 6 and 15 and we got one more!!! :0) I just heard from the doctors office this morning with our case update and it is as follows:

16 Eggs to start

9 Matured

6 Fertilized

5 Strong as of this morning

They are not sure yet if they want to do a 3day transfer tomorrow or a 5day on Thursday. Right now I am tentatively scheduled to go tomorrow around 9am. The doctor will call me at 7:30am to tell me the consensus.

I am super thrilled but at the same time I am panicked! I am feeling this overwhelming motherly instinct and all I want to do is go to the office and cuddle them and tell them to be strong and hang in there and that Mommy and Daddy are waiting for them and praying for them. I want to get them in me so that I can protect them and nurture them. I know it must sound absolutely insane, but that is how I feel. I keep crying on and off because I can't believe this. I can't believe how fragile life is..minute by minute, hour by hour. I forgot to ask the doctor what "strong" meant for the remaining 5. I placed a call and left a message to hopefully get some grading numbers/cell counts. I will let you know as I know. So, here we go again...we wait!!!! I am freaking out now, I can only imagine how the 2ww will be.

Trigger Tonight!!

2009-06-18T13:02:00.002-04:00

So, I just got the call after my b/w and u/s this morning and the nurse confirmed that I will do the trigger tonight at exactly 9pm! Whoo Hoo!!! I then go to the office in the morning, like normal, for just blood work and then I have to be at the office Saturday 6/20/09 at 8:15am for the retrieval. OMG!!!!!!!!! I can't believe this!!! It is so fitting to go on Saturday the 20Th (it's a lucky day for DH & I) we were married on May 20, 2005. This is so cool. We will be able to tell our children that they were conceived exactly 4 years and 1 month after we were married.

On a side note, the doctor was hysterical this morning. He was running behind, which is not common, so I was willing to wait without being all snotty. He finally came into the room with my absolute favorite nurse (I knew it was going to be a good day) and said, "Good Morning Melissa...alright then, SHOW ME THE EGGS! I don't want the money, I want to see the eggs!" We all laughed pretty hard. I really like him..he is too cute. Anyways, he said my lining was 12mm, and I think the largest follicle was 20x18. I am so excited for this. I hope that I am not in too much pain on Saturday after the ER. What was it like for you guys? The nurse warned that I would be pretty sleepy all day Saturday. Was that your experience? I am also a little concerned about the "cleansing" process. I am told I have to "cleanse" both Friday night and Saturday morning before. I have never done it before, so I am little nervous. Although, there really hasn't been a step in this whole process that I haven't been nervous about beforehand so I am sure it will be okay. HOLY CRAP....MY ER IS IN 2 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Countdown to the Retrieval!

2009-06-17T12:50:00.002-04:00

So, this morning I went for u/s and b/w again!! I really look forward to going. I love finding out what's going on in there; although I really don't ask a lot of questions. I usually just listen to him (the RE) spewing out information to the nurse. Today was a tad different. The room I was in had a miniature ultrasound screen that faced me so I could see everything. It was sooo cool. I watched him measure the follicles and barely payed attention to how many he saw. I know it was at least 13. He also said that my lining was 11mm. Is that good? Can anyone tell me what it is supposed to be? How about the size of the follicles? Can anyone tell me what is ideal?

But, I digress. The doc says that I will be most likely doing my Ovidrel injection tomorrow or Friday night with a retrieval on Saturday morning. AHHHH!!!!!!!!! I am soooo freakin' excited. I still can't believe that DH and I are here at this moment. It seemed like we would never get here when we were first dealing with all this back in November. I am so THANKFUL to have him, and all of you at this time. Thank you all for being there for me and understanding. I will let you know what we find out tomorrow!! :0)

Update!

2009-06-15T15:28:00.002-04:00

So, I have stopped my Lupron. My other medicines have not changed at all. I only have one bruise on my belly (so I am pretty damn happy so far). I am feeling really good. No more headaches or night sweats. I am close to feeling pretty normal...except for still being tired which seems like an everyday occurrence no matter how much sleep I get. This morning when I went for the u/s and b/w I heard the RE say that my lining was 10 1/2 and he was yelling out measurements of eggs but I unfortunately couldn't keep track. He told me that he is pretty sure he will have me do the ovulation shot in the next couple of days. My original protocol said 6/19 for retrieval, which we seem to be right on track for. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! :0) This is soooo amazing!!!! I can't wait. I go again in the morning for u/s and b/w ...so we will see what he says.

On a side note...this weekend my best friend got engaged!!!!!!!!!!!! She has been waiting close to 6 years so this is pretty special. Now I am just hoping she doesn't pick a possible month next year that I could be pregnant!!! :0) I am really truly happy for her. This is awesome...and I can't wait to help with all the planning!!!

Much Better the 2nd Day!

2009-06-11T11:57:00.002-04:00

Okay, so last night the shot went much better. I iced the area for about 30 seconds, numbing the site, and that really helped. DH did the shot and I chose not to look :0) That was perfect. My headache is barely existent today too, which makes me very happy. It is so funny what a difference 24 hours can make!! I am looking forward to tomorrow's b/w and u/s. I can't wait to see what is going on in there.

Stim Day One Results

2009-06-10T17:53:00.002-04:00

Holy Cow!!! I did NOT like the new needle. It hurt and its pretty big!!! And, I had some stinging. I was not prepared for this round. I got it done, but then cried for what seemed like an hour. The pain did not last that long, mere seconds, but I was way over emotional about the whole thing. I iced my tummy and that felt better, but my tummy overall is feeling sore now. I was so emotionally drained that I feel asleep at 9:30pm last night and missed one of my favorite shows, "Rescue Me".

This morning I woke up feeling tired, as usual, to do my Lupron shot. I was calm about it because this needle is nothing, I can handle it. Well, apparently, my brain decided to freak out and I froze. I couldn't do it. I tried stabbing myself but it hurt and I stopped, causing some bleeding. I turned to DH and said, "I can't do it!" He grabbed the needle and stabbed me. It was all over. I tell you, I am really learning a lot about myself and my relationship with DH. I really need to work on not being such a baby! A good friend of mine told me to keep my eyes on the prize and just get through each shot one at a time. I am going to try and ice the area tonight before I give the shot (hopefully numbing it!). My tummy is starting to look like a pin cushion. :0) I don't know how all of us infertiles handle this...WE ARE PRETTY STRONG!!! My heart goes out to all of you who have done this or will do this. You truly don't understand until you are doing it yourself. I don't know where I would be without DH. He is truly a blessing.

Oh, one last thing, my only new symptom was a massive headache. I was dying today. I called the RE and was able to take Tylenol. They said it was due to the high levels of Estrogen and that the headaches will get better a little each day. YIPPEE!!! :0)

1st Monitoring U/S & Bloodwork

2009-06-09T10:55:00.004-04:00

Good Morning!!

So today I went for my first of the monitoring ultra sounds and blood work. It was pretty surreal being in a room full of infertiles. We were all looking around at each other; I am sure the same thoughts going through our brains, "I know what you are here for". There was one girl who seemed to talk to everyone. I think it was nervous chatter. She announced that she had had surgery in March ( fibroids and endo removed) and she just found out yesterday that she was pregnant. She was coming in for blood work. Yippee for you! You could see everyone, myself included, just stare at her, wanting to scream out, "You don't belong in the same room as us! Get out!" Sorry, I am feeling a little cranky today.

However, tonight is the night!! We start stimming! I am excited, although a close friend of mine said that I seemed very reserved for this part of it all. She had expected me to be a bit more excited. I don't really know how I feel. I am super excited, but I am very anxious. How are these new meds going to make me feel? Will all this needle poking be worth it?

Oh, I went to the psychic yesterday and she says that it won't work the first time. BOO!!! But, she does see me pregnant by September. Well, if it doesn't work the first time, I won't be pregnant in September because we won't have the $$ that quickly put aside to try again. I am hoping she was off by a couple of months. She also said that she saw me having 3 kids. Twins the first time (boy and a girl) and then just one boy the next time. Well, I am not really holding much stock in what she says, but we shall see. Gotta Go...time to get back to work!!!!! :0)

Injection Teach

2009-06-06T10:29:00.003-04:00

Sooooo excited!!!!! Yesterday DH and I had to go for the injection teach for the stims. It seems okay...a little overwhelming, but nothing we can't handle. The nurse did a brief lesson on the progesterone shots and that is what is scaring the HE*L out of me. What if DH hits the wrong area? Okay...I can't think about that now. One step at a time.

As we were listening to the instructions at the RE's office I felt all weepy. All I kept thinking was, "I can't believe we are at this step!" "This is really happening!" DH and I got in the car and I started bawling. I want this to work sooo badly. I read the blogs where some of you have BFN's and have been working for years to get pregnant and I feel so selfish because I just want this to work the first time out. No surprises. I hate not knowing if this will work or not. If I am like this now, so anxious, I can't even imagine how I'll be during the 2ww.

I made an appointment for Monday to go see a psychic. I have seen her in the past and she has been spot on. So, I just want to "check" in with her. The last time I was there she knew about DH's surgery and about the IVF, but she never mentioned my surgery. So, now its time to get an update from her and make sure that she still thinks it will "stick" the first time.

Tuesday 6/9/09 I lower my Lupron (THANK GOD!) , go for blood work and u/s in the morning and start the stims Tuesday night. Again, I CAN'T BELIEVE this is happening!!! Oh, please God make this work and give us the strength to get through this no matter what the results are.

I Have Officially Lost It....

2009-06-03T12:12:00.003-04:00

So, I don't know if its a week's worth of Lupron or my monthly visitor, but I have officially gone crazy. Yesterday at work I yelled at almost everyone. Luckily, most people at work know what's going on and just kinda dealt with it. I lost it big time on the phone with a pharmacy. My dad lost his job a few weeks ago and suffers from really bad asthma, and I believe has the start of emphysema. I am trying to find him the medicine that he needs at a cheap price and basically got screwed by this website. I ripped the supervisor a new one yesterday and everyone in my office just sat there with their jaws dropped as I am not normally so aggressive. Then I walked outside my office and just screamed and cried for about 10 minutes. Then, felt better.

I thought I was going to be okay and that it was just frustration over the jerk at the pharmacy, but when I got home I still was feeling cranky. I asked DH to bring home something for dinner as I did not feel like cooking. We couldn't make a decision and wound up screaming at each other on the phone over stupid dinner. We finally agreed on Burger King (I know...Super Healthy) and I asked him for a milkshake with my meal. All was fine at that point. DH gets home, I am starving as I really haven't eaten all day, and the burger he got me had some sort of crap on it. ( Side Note: I am extremely picky. I need everything to be PLAIN. I like a PLAIN cheeseburger, nothing but cheese and I always ask who ever picks it up to check..and DH knows to do this.) However, this time he failed to check it and I went ballistic. I refused to eat it and then just sat there crying for like half an hour. I couldn't stop. DH kept trying to console me and I couldn't make the tears stop. Finally, after I don't know how long, I felt better. I wound up having cereal for dinner and then kept laughing at how silly the whole incident had been. I called my Mom to say goodnight and then wound up crying to her all over again about how crazy this is. She was hysterical laughing, which in turn made me laugh, and I was good all over again. Holy Cow!!! This is insane!!!! But, totally worth it. That's all I keep repeating to myself.

Let the Games Begin!!!!!!

2009-05-28T11:14:00.001-04:00

It's official...I have started my IVF cycle!!!! DH and I went to the RE on Tuesday 5/26/09. The RE did an ultrasound and did some measurements. Apparently my uterus lining is 7 something (whatever that means). He then did a practice transfer. Holy Crap did that hurt. I squeezed DH's hand so hard that I thought I broke it. The RE said that everything looked great and that he managed to completely preserve the ovary on the left even though he removed the tube. God Bless Him!! :0) The practice transfer, although completely uncomfortable, did not last long at all. And, the way I figure it I would much prefer him to know what he needs exactly for the actual one and what he needs to do and for me to have a little pain than for him going in blindly. The nurse then taught us (DH & I) how to administer the Lupron shots. She had me do my first one there in the office. It really was nothing at all. I was so worked up over nothing. The only pain I had was some itchiness at the injection site that lasted all of 30 seconds after.

I currently do 10 units of Lupron at 6am every morning. Tuesday night I didn't sleep well at all. I was tossing and turning all night, but I think that was because I had been so worked up and was finally starting to relax, but yet think about everything that was happening. Last night I similar sleep. Not very good/solid sleep at all. And I woke up at 3am drenched in sweat. I am not complaining though. If this is the worst part, I'll take it. I am not irritable, however I have only done three shots! :0) I let DH do today's shot because I would like him to get used to giving them. This way he is prepared for when he HAS to do them. He was so cute. He was scared, just as scared as I had been the first time and he wanted to do it as quick as possible. We definitely have to work on that. Did I mention I was doing the shots in my belly? The nurse prefers it and I'll tell you, I really barely feel anything. So far so good. Round 1 going smooth!

Medicine Has Arrived!!!!!

2009-05-22T19:19:00.000-04:00

Okay, so here it is ...all $2200 worth!! :0) There are bags of needles and syringes behind the boxes, but you guys get the idea. I still can't believe this is happening. I am quite frightened by the size of some of the needles, but one day at a time I suppose. DH and I go to the RE on Tuesday 5/26..the Lupron start date. I guess then that this is my last "free" weekend. And, what do I have planned but lounging around??!!?! LOL I am pretty excited. DH said something along the lines of how excited he was to be moving on to the next phase in our lives. That put a smile on my face.

One quick thing, we were invited to some BBQ's this weekend, you know Memorial Day and all, and I turned down the invitations. I just feel like there is not much going on in my life but this and it is all consuming. I don't want to drink and I feel like I have nothing to talk about but this cycle. Am I the only one who is alienating themselves during a cycle? I have to believe that this is normal. God, I sound so self-absorbed!!

Just Checking In....

2009-05-06T15:13:00.001-04:00

Hey Everyone!
Sorry I haven't been around in a bit. Let's see if I can get you caught up. I finally had my BCP's changed and they are much better. No more headaches or nausea. Thank God. My birthday was this past Monday so I spent most of the weekend celebrating. Don't worry...there was not too much alcohol involved. I am still on the nicotine patch..going strong...except for Saturday night. I faltered slightly due to too much alcohol, but successfully jumped back on the band wagon on Sunday. This year my birthday was amazing. I really wasn't looking forward to it, like I usually am, I mean c'mon my head is focusing on way too many other things right now. But, it actually was probably one of the best birthdays I have had in awhile. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends. They made me feel so special and loved. I can't THANK them enough.

The big news was that I got a call yesterday from the RE's office from the finance dept. and they took a decent amount of $ off the bill. What a relief! And, today I spoke to the pharmacy and they will be letting me know how much I owe them after they contact the insurance company. I can't believe this is happening. They will be mailing out my medication the week of the 18th because I start my Lupron on 5/26. I can't believe it!!!!! I am so excited, scared, hopeful and anxious and every other emotion you can think of rolled into one!!! I just really want this to work. I want so very badly to be a Mom. Please Lord, be kind to us and help us with this one little request. We promise to be the best parents we possibly can be. We promise to love the little angels that you bless us with with every ounce of our being. Thank you!!!! I hope you are listening!!!

It's Official....The Cycle Has Begun!!

2009-04-29T16:09:00.000-04:00

So, I started the BCP's yesterday. YEAH!!!I don't know if it was the heat or the pill or what but I had a massive headache all day and felt very nauseous. So far today I have been feeling okay, but not great. Thankfully I don't have as bad a headache as yesterday. I find it oh so amusing to be taking BCP's and my prenatal vitamins at the same time. It's too funny. Anyways, I am extremely emotional this week too. I watched American Idol last night and actually cried during one of the performances. I think I am just overwhelmed and scared now that this is all happening. Don't get me wrong, I want this more than anything, but I am not looking forward to all the chemicals in my body and the nausea, etc. It is making me upset again. I am now getting pissed off that I have to go through all this when there are other non-infertiles out there that don't have to worry about any of it. Just boom...want to have a baby? Done! F-that!!!!

T- Minus 3 Days til BCP's!

2009-04-25T11:33:00.000-04:00

Okay, so we are a go!! I will start the BCP's on Tuesday. My next appt. is on May 26th (I believe that is when the Lupron will start). So, it's official....I now have a month to lose my extra weight. I am so excited, I can't believe its almost here. I want this to work so badly that I am finding it hard to think about anything else. I actually bought a Baby Names book. I know that it's kind of jumping the gun, but you have to think positively, right?? :0) I watched the movie Baby Mama last night, it just happened to be on when I was channel surfing, and I couldn't turn it off. I had seen it before, but way before all the IF stuff surfaced, and I cried. I think it was a release of my anxiety, excitement and hope all rolled into one. DH was just snoring away next to me. :0)

AF HAS ARRIVED!!!!!!!!

2009-04-23T19:22:00.000-04:00

Whoo Hooo! I was beginning to think that she was not going to show, but it appears that I had my dates wrong (I was early last month due to the surgery) and she has come right on time. I was with a consulting company today at work...all day....so wasn't able to call the RE but, in all fairness she didn't show herself until late in the day. So, here we go!!! The first step with this cycle. I will call the nurse in the morning and find out when to start BCPs. I am sooooo excited. I was beginning to think that I was going to be all screwed up and be left behind.

I wanted to write a bit about in-laws. Can't live with them, can't live without them. My in-laws can be so weird. My mil is not talking to DH because we missed a mass on Sunday in honor of his late uncle who passed in Feb because...umm....NO ONE TOLD US!!!!!!!!!! My DH was even with his mom on Sat and she made no mention. She has been giving him the silent treatment all week (we didn't know why) and only today, when he called her out on it, she told him she was mad that we didn't come on Sunday and or call to say we weren't coming. Are you kidding me? How the hell were we supposed to know??? Get out our magic crystal balls?? I am so fed up with the lack of communication with that side of the family that I want to explode. But, what can you do, right? LOL... we could just change our numbers and move out of town. But, unfortunately that won't solve anything. We will just continue to be the outcasts of the family, which sadly I believe happened the day we were married.

Side Note: I am on Day 17 smoke free.....Thank you Mr. Nicotine Patch...you are a godsend!

A Spring Day...FINALLY!

2009-04-16T15:00:00.000-04:00

I haven't written in awhile as there is not too much going on. On the IF front I am just waiting for AF to come so I can start my BCP's. Never thought I would say those words..."Wishing and waiting for my AF!"
On another topic, my DH totalled his car last Saturday. We had lots of rain and he was heading to work in the city (NYC). He hydroplaned on the parkway and went head on with the guardrail four lanes of traffic over. Thankfully, he is fine and no one else was involved, but sadly his car did not make it. So, now we need to buy a new car. I have a company car which we have already thought we would need to replace if I get to stay home with the baby/babies and that he would just need a commuter car (to get to and from the bus station) but now we figure that with economy what it is and the deals that are out there that we would buy a new "family" SUV and buy the commuter car next year. Any suggestions?? We are not thrilled with having to put out more $$ right now, but really, what choice do we have?
We also are really looking forward to this weekend as we are going to see Kenny Chesney in concert. We are driving up to Moeghan Sun in CT to the Saturday show. We were going to stay over but need to save $ somewhere. It should be fun. We have never been there and we are meeting two of our friends up there for dinner, some gambling and the show. This is the first weekend in a long time that DH and I will be together for 3 straight days. YEAH!!!
And, finally, wow I guess I really had alot to share, I am very concerned about my friend E. She just recently had a baby (I talked of visiting her in my previous post) and, well her and her DH are really having a rough time. They are arguing all the time and she is even thinking that maybe she should get a divorce. I know that part of it is the stress of a new baby and money issues but I really don't know what to say to her. Any ideas on how I might be able to help? I love her lots and just want her to be happy.

May/June Cycle it is!!!

2009-04-07T16:38:00.000-04:00

I am so excited I can't begin to tell you! I went for my post-op appt yesterday and everything looked great. The RE laughed at me because there was still "glue" left on 2 out of 3 incision sites. I couldn't help it..I was too afraid to pick it off. All I could imagine was big gaping holes with blood pouring out. LOL I am such a spaz sometimes. But, anyway, my Mom went with me (she is so excited about all of this too) and he then asked me when I last had a visit from AF. He then told me to call when my next period starts and the nurse will tell me when to start the BCP's (which should be around 4/20). The nurse wrote me out the prescription and told me the exact same thing to call on CD1 and then she will tell me when to fill the script. OMG! I was flying at that point. Then he tells me to see the billing lady (I was dreading this part) but in the mean time the other nurse is writing down all of my dates for me. So, the dates are as follows:

-Start the BCP's with next period
-Lupron starts 5/26 or 5/28
-Stim Day 1 : 6/9
-Retrieval- 6/25
-5 day transfer 6/30

Mom and I are then whisked off to talk $$$. It was about what I anticipated, but of course discussing it now it becomes real. She tells me because we are paying out of pocket and the economy is such a mess that she will talk to the doctor and see what they can do for us. They might be able to the lower the numbers some. Thank God! We will take whatever we can get. Just before leaving the doctor grabs me and asks if I have stopped smoking. I said sort of and that I was going to start the gum right away. He tells me to do whatever I have to..pills, gum, patch, shots it doesn't matter just no more cigarettes. So, after deliberating with Mom I decided to go on the patch. Today is day one and so far its not bad. I have had all of 2 cravings which I was able to deal with through hard candy and water. I feel extremely motivated now. :0)

Last night after all of my errands my friend J and I went to visit one of our friends who just recently had a baby (early March)..a little boy. It was so nice to be with the girls and talk about all kinds of things. Both of these really close friends know my situation and it is so nice to have a great support system. And, holding the new born really made me excited for the future. All I kept thinking as I looked down at this tiny beautiful and most adorable miracle was..."I want one!"

Rainy Day...

2009-04-03T11:03:00.000-04:00

Sadly, there is not too much going on. I have an appt on Monday (Post-Op) with my RE and I am really looking forward to it. I am hoping that he will give me the start date for my BCP's. YEAH!! I just really want to get going now. However, my firm belief that everything happens for a reason is certainly showing to be true as I have been cheating with my non-smoking. BOO!!!Obviously someone/something up there is trying to help me cut this before we start. I feel like such an a*s because I want to be as healthy as possible for a successful IVF cycle and with spending all that $$ but the stupid nicotine just won't leave me alone. I spoke to DH about it last night and decided that I am going to start using the gum. I am okay with this. I do not feel like a weak person; I had just really wanted to do it without anything but its okay. I also made a decision to start working out again. I have definitely put on some pounds since the start of our IF journey. I am not overweight (at least I don't think *smile*) But, I figure becoming a bit more tone would be helpful overall. I also saw that acupuncture can be helpful in a successful cycle...has anyone done this and if so did you think it worked and did it hurt? :0)

Still in Recovery Mode...and Smoke Free!

2009-03-24T20:24:00.001-04:00

So, let's see...I had wanted to post everyday during ICLW week, but as you can see fell a day behind. Yesterday was just a complete lazy day. My DH had stayed home with me and we laid around all day watching movies and tv. We watched Twilight, which I thought was pretty good. I don't think the character that plays Edward is gorgeous so that was kind of a let down. Today, DH went back to work and because my Mom was off today she came and spent the day with me. It was really nice. She brought my Great Aunt over for a visit who is in her mid 80's and we got to spend time together which rarely happens in this rat race of a life I lead. I am finding myself to be much more tired today than over the past few days. I think I am finally relaxing and my body is seeking sleep. I only got up once during the night last night and actually managed to nap for about an hour late this morning. I am hoping to sleep completely through tonight..fingers crossed!

Totally random, but I need to share with regards to IVF. Something I have not shared but my brother had gotten a divorce back in 2004? or there abouts. Anyways, he had 3 kids from that marriage. His ex-wife remarried in 2006, who I still speak to as she is my niece and nephews Mom. Okay, so the situation is a little weird because my brother passed away in Sept of 2007 and I have grown closer to my ex-sis-in-law and her husband (who is an awesome step-dad btw). Okay, so get to the point Melissa, well on Sunday when I mentioned in my post that my sis-in-law came for dinner it was that family. DH and I had not told them anything about our situation but figured now that my surgery was done and successful that we would share our plans for the upcoming IVF. So, where am I going with this? My ex sis-in-law told us and the kids on Sunday at my house that they are doing IVF too...and starting as soon as possible!!!! She had had her tubes tied after my niece was born (my niece is now 13) and the docs say that IVF is the best chance of them getting pregnant as my ex sis-in-law is 42 going on 43. I am excited to have someone close to me to being doing this at practically the same time, but a selfish part of me wants to scream out, "It's my turn!" "You did this already!" Now she has called me everyday to talk (very out of the ordinary) and I don't really know what to make of all of this, not to mention that I am not happy how they told the kids...in front of us? not alone? What were they thinking?? They are not fans of their step dad to begin with (they miss my brother) and have apparently not said anything about the news. Any thoughts from my blogging friends?

I Com Leav We Day 2

2009-03-22T13:41:00.000-04:00

Hello All!! I figured I would write a small post as to how the recovery is going. So, yeah last night I was in so much pain I was delirious. Thank God for pain meds. My DH is so wonderful though. He dealt with it with such patience and love. He and the dog slept with me in the living room last night because it hurts too much to get up into my ridiculously high bed. I guess to try and put the pain into words, it feels like I have done 1000's of sit-ups and then opted to not do anything ever again. :0) I really can't wait to be feeling my normal self again. Today has been a bit better. I actually showered which really helped. I just have to watch what position I put my body in. We are having my sis-in-law and nieces and nephews over for dinner so that I am excited for. DH is the chef for tonight. I am so proud of him. I can't tell you how blessed I feel to have his heart.

Side note: Have not even thought about having cigarettes! I guess that is the cure...go through surgery and severe pain..at least so far that is working for me!! :0)

I Com Leav We Day 1

2009-03-21T08:12:00.000-04:00

Welcome to all new and old readers!!!! Our IF timeline is posted on the right hand side, but just to give you a quick synopsis: After over 2 years of "trying" on our own we went for workup; only to discover DH has azoospermia. He had a MESA procedure and we successfully retrieved a decent amount of sperm. On to IVF with ICSI...oh but wait, my HSG found that my left tube was blocked and needs to be removed! UGH! So, I actually had surgery yesterday and everything went perfectly smooth. Thank God. So, now after healing we will start cycling in May! I can't believe it.

With regards to my surgery, I was extremely emotional before and after, although crying after hurts a lot more. I feel better when I am sitting up or walking as opposed to laying down which really made sleeping last night not fun. So, today I am up early, planning on taking a pain pill and heading off to sleepy land. I didn't take any pain meds yesterday except for Motrin, but I need to sleep. I am exhausted. I am officially a non-smoker now. I had smoked up until Thursday night (night before surgery) mainly because I was scared to death. But, no more. Now that everything went smooth...its on to healthy baby making. I am off from work until next Friday so that gives me all week to get through the hard part of not smoking. Although God is getting me back for not quitting earlier...from not smoking I have been doing a lot of coughing which hurts like a b*tch!!!! :o) I get it...you live and learn.

I look forward to meeting and reading along with as many new people as possible and I Thank You for stopping by!!!

Sorry, I am a Bad Posting Friend!

2009-03-11T16:51:00.000-04:00

This will be a short post as I am at work. But, I wanted to apologize for not posting or reading along with all of yours. I have been very depressed (I guess you can say) these last couple of weeks and am slowly coming out of hiding. Nothing too big/bad has happened, but I have not had too much to say. I promise to catch up with all of you soon. My surgery is next Friday 3/20/09--can't believe it! I have signed up for IComLeavWe for March and promise to post lots during the week I am home. Hope all is well.

PS- I fell off the non-smoking wagon. :0( I am working on it though. It's the toughest thing I have ever had to do. I feel fine with it some days and then other days something bad happens at work or with the family and all I want to do is pick up a stupid cigarette. I really wish I had NEVER started in the first place. Thank you for bearing with me. I'll be back soon!!

Day 7 of No Smoking...YEAH!

2009-02-26T12:46:00.000-05:00

I wanted just to post an update on my life. Today is Day 7 of the no smoking (quit cold turkey) process. I am doing quite well with it. I had a bad time over this past weekend, but successfully made it through. It is so ridiculous how they take over your life. I swear if I could go back in time and never start I would. Now, granted I haven't had any alcohol, but I decided that I would have to give up both anyway to have a baby so better to start now rather than later. I have no news with IF stuff except that my surgery is still on track for March 20. I am super excited. I just want to get it going.

I have been very hormonal lately too. I don't know if its the stress of over-thinking everything, but I find myself getting very angry at DH way too often. I do apologize after the fact but I feel like I am almost a ticking time bomb...one false move or sentence and I may explode! He came home late the other night from work and I told him that if he didn't start coming home sooner I wouldn't have his children. I know, I don't know where it came from. I just had all these visions of me by myself until 8pm or later with the baby/babies with him off at work. Then I was yelling at him that although we are even now with surgeries (or will be soon) that I still had the raw end of the deal with having to do the shots and ER and ET and then the actually pregnancy. And, trust me I am not complaining because I want NOTHING more than to become a mom, but it just feels like sometimes I am going at this alone. I feel like such a horrible person to even feel this way, but I am scared and anxious and still feeling the grief I suppose of our IF. Will it ever go away? I guess I just needed to vent. I am going to my therapist tonight, maybe he can help me relax. Although, I feel like I keep telling him this all the time and he gives me suggestions and I still fall off the emotional band wagon.

I AM COMING OUT OF HIDING! :0)

2009-02-20T11:08:00.000-05:00

Hello All! I am sorry that I have stayed away so long, I was sulking for way too long. But, I have come to the conclusion that as much as this stinks (my blocked tube) it is a good thing that we found it now and have it taken care of so that we didn't waste our $$ on IVF only to have it fail. I am feeling much better about it; now I just want it to be here so we can keep moving forward. The surgery is scheduled for March 20, 2009 (exactly one month).

In answer to most of your question, the doctor has to remove the tube because it is full with infectious fluid and if we keep it in and do IVF anyway the fluids would seep down into the uterus causing the chance of success to decrease by half. It makes the most sense to get me healthy first and not take chances. It's not like we can have children naturally anyway (due to DH azoo).

Speaking of the IF stuff, my DH had a check up with the urologist yesterday to see how he is healing and Thank God he is perfect and allowed to resume to normal activities. He is awesome. It's like he can handle anything. This barely phased him. We both then had an appt with the RE in the afternoon to discuss IVF and for me to get a culture and u/s. I am not going to lie, the protocol for IVF scared the sh*t out of me!!! I am petrified. I am sure that it is not as bad as it seems, but holy cow. I just kept shaking my head saying, "um hum..okay...yeah...okay" while all the while thinking, "Seriously?" I just have to keep my eyes on the prize. :0) The u/s was soo cool. My DH was in the room with me holding my hand while the doctor did it. It was too funny because its the first time ever DH has seen the stirrups in action. His eyes were wide and he just kept watching everything the doctor did. He cracked me up! He was just amazed...and even commented to me after how shocked he was that the doctor put a condom on it. The u/s really amazed me because all I kept thinking was this is what we will be looking at when we see our baby(ies). It really hit me. I can't wait for that day. It really gave me some hope again. This is not even close to being over...time to suck it up and get stronger. We have a baby/babies to make.

I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but I am a smoker. I am not proud of it as I only started when I turned 21. I hit the bar scene and the cigarettes hit me. I always had it in my head that once I found out I was pregnant I would just stop, then and there. Obviously at that point my priorities change. It has been really hard for me to accept that I will never have that unexpected double line after peeing on a stick and hence have been using that as a reason to keep smoking. Well, I am proud to say that as of 11:38am EST I have been smoke free for 36 hours...COLD TURKEY. I have bought the nicorette gum, just in case, but so far have made it through. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get through cravings I would love to hear. BTW, THANK YOU to everyone that has been so sweet and understanding. I really am so happy to have all of you and this wonderful blog.

Another notch DOWN the rollercoaster of IF....

2009-02-10T14:03:00.003-05:00

Hello Everyone! I apologize for my absence the last few days but alot has transpired. My DH is doing very well from the MESA procedure. He went back to work yesterday and is having very limited discomfort. Thank God. However on Friday we got a call from his Dad that his Uncle passed away. His Uncle lived in Ireland, where almost all of his family is currently except for immediate members. It was a big shock as it occurred suddenly and its very sad because he was like a second Dad to my DH. We haven't been to Ireland to visit the family in over 5 years and this killed my DH. We are all still very upset. My DH seems to be doing okay with it, but he is the type to keep emotions inside, so its hard for me to tell.

As for the IF stuff, I went for my HSG yesterday. As noted in my previous post I hadn't had it done sooner because we focused on DH's Azoo diagnosis, and low and behold...I have a blockage in my left tube!!!! GIVE US A DAMN BREAK ALREADY!!!! So, now I have to schedule my operation for removal of the tube and according to the surgery coordinator the earliest I could go will be March 20. I still can't believe this. I knew something was wrong because the HSG was extremely painful. I called out of work today...a personal day if you will. I just can't believe that its one thing after another. WTF??? The RE says to me, "Well this should make DH feel a little bit better because its not all on him!" LOL I knew that he was trying to make light of the situation but, I lost it completely. I am so upset. I just feel like nothing can go right. And, of course I know that this in not the end. We still will be able to do IVF eventually, but it certainly felt like another blow. Has anyone had their tubes removed? I am wondering what to expect. I am waiting for the RE to call me today to go over some questions that of course I was only able to think of after my meltdown yesterday. I hope everyone else is doing well and I will be back after I sulk in self-pity for a bit.

WE'VE GOT SWIMMERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-02-05T13:04:00.000-05:00

Everything went great yesterday. They got 700,000 with 50% motility. Although the doc says it kind of a low number it is exactly what we needed!! YEAH! As I said in my previous post my Mom came with us yesterday. Well, after we got the result my Mom and I were crying (happy tears of course) for at least 3 hrs on and off. I still can't believe it. I feel like this is a dream and I am going to wake up soon. It is soooo unbelievable. I am elated. Yesterday was such a roller coaster ride but it was well worth it. I cried saying goodbye to DH when he had to go to the holding room. I kept somewhat calm while waiting..Thanks Mom...and then once we found out I couldn't wait to see him. I couldn't wait to tell him that he is going to be a DAD!!! Hehehehe...its an awesome feeling.

He is actually feeling really good today. He hasn't taken any pain medication since we left the hospital. He is such a trooper. I don't know if I could go without it, but he keeps telling me that it really isn't that bad. He has a scrotal support on so I think that is helping too and we have been using ice packs on and off. As for the next steps in our journey, I have my HSG on monday (can you believe it? The timing of my cycle couldn't be any better) and then on the 19th we have our IVF consult and the RE will do my u/s then. We hadn't done any of that up until now because we wanted to see what happened with DH. It's so incredible. I feel like everything is one big whirl wind now. I 100% believe in the power of positivity now. Nothing will stop me from staying positvie. Somebody up there was listening and all I can say is THANK YOU!!!!! How does it work with starting IVF? Someone told me they might make me wait 1 full cycle before starting-does that sound right?

OMG...2 DAYS TO GO!!!!!!!

2009-02-02T10:43:00.000-05:00

Okay, so we are only 2 days away from the day that will decide our fate for the next few months (or year if we are lucky). I would like to say that I have been handling the anxiousness and stress with grace, but I am definitely losing my mind. UGH! I am scared and excited and scared. What if there is nothing and we have to wait again and do TESE in 3 months? What if they find only 2 sperm? What if they find a lot and here we go into the world of IVF? I am soooo all over the board. I am afraid of how I will react if it is not good. I think DH has that same fear. I am trying to stay as positive as possible. And of course, DH like most men is trying to be the realist and that is killing me. Just think positive damn you!! Imagine what you want and it will be..isn't that the theme of the book "The Secret"? I mean c'mon its not weird that I look in one of our spare rooms that we have decided will be the nursery one day and imagine where the crib will be and the rocking chair, right? LOL I just want this to be it. I don't want to continue wondering about all of the what ifs. I just want there to be viable sperm so we can get going and be parents by next year. I want to be able to say, "Shew..that was one hell of a roller coaster for the last few months and now we can move forward...Thank You GOD!"

My Mom will be coming with us to the hospital on Wednesday which I am very Thankful for. She is just as nervous as I am I think, and she really wanted to be there. I am glad to have someone sit with me while I wait. Even though we will both be feeling the stress at least we will have each other. :0) I am very lucky to have my Mom. She is truly my best friend. Yes, there are times that we don't get along but overall I would be LOST without her. I don't think that I really have ever told her that, I should; I WILL. Trust me, I feel the same about my Daddy too. But, its just different. My Mom and I have a special bond. I talk to her every single day at least once a day. I look forward to having that same relationship one day with my little girl/boy. With some continued positiveness we might have the good news in just 2 days. Oh god, I don't know if I am going to make it. I keep trying to tell myself that the result has already been written in the stars. I have no control over it. I think that is what is driving both DH and I nuts. It will be what it will be and we will have to deal with whatever comes. That sucks!! That is probably the worst part of this...the lack of control. I promise to post as things occur and I Thank all of you for your warm wishes and prayers.

Why Do People Always Ask??

2009-01-26T16:53:00.001-05:00

So, DH and I had to go to the lawyers office today (we are refinancing our mortgage) its a much better rate and we will save about $400/month. And as you all know, any money saved now is great. We sit down, he is an awesome older man. He is very sweet and kind and made us feel at home. And, of course one of his first questions is, "So, do you two have a family?" Before we can answer he is telling us that he has 5 children and 11 grandchildren. One of his grandbabies is upstairs home sick from school. DH and I look at each across the table and DH responds with, "We are working on it" I was so proud of him for answering, because I couldn't. And the more I thought about it, the more I got upset. I mean are DH and I not a family? Why does it have to include kids? That shouldn't define "our family", you know? It just begs the question, "Why do people always ask?" "Why do they have to be so nosy?" Now, I know its just bothering me due to the circumstances and I am sure that when we do get pregnant I will be more than happy to share all the details, but for right now it just sucks!!

DH and I also watch ER. And, its pretty cool because the head of the ER (who is over 40) was trying IVF to get pregnant. So, they were showing her taking shots and all of her mood swings. They just showed her E/R last week and she only had 4 follicles. And, unfortunately none of them were good. But, I was pretty psyched to see infertility getting some air time. My DH however was not psyched to see the mood swings and while laughing made some comment along the lines of "I don't think we are going to make it through that!" Lovingly said of course!

Awesome Girls Night Out

2009-01-25T16:32:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to say Thank You to all who wished me a healthy return to life. It appears that it must of been a 24 hr gig, because I was back to work on Friday. Feeling better, but not great. I am happy however to announce that I am all better now!

Last night I went out with three of my friends from my DH and I's old neighborhood. We used to live in a townhouse (and we were in a cul-de-sac). We knew all of our neighbors and became really close with a few of them. When we moved into a house about 3 towns over, we were all sad but decided to have girls night out at least once a month and we all get together (guys included) as often as we can. So, last night was ladies night (dinner and drinks--Thank God!). We all have our fair share of stuff going on. One of them is a single mom dealing with a psycho ex (really, like he was in an institution and stuff) who can't seem to get pass the divorce. One who is wanting to divorce her husband, but when she told him he decided he wanted to work things out for the sake of their little girl. Of course he was super nice and changed for all of a month until he went back to his old ways. She can't have him move out yet as she is getting money in order, but it will be over soon enough. And finally the last one has a pretty decent life; husband, 2 kids, happy life except the $$ is pretty bad right now. Like I said everyone has their own demon. And of course there is me, whose DH has azoo. (although they were not aware until last night).

When I arrived at the restaurant, first one there, which is a big step I am usually always late, I am the only one there. Low and behold within minutes they arrive and the first one says, "So, anything cooking under that coat??" You know bun in the oven! Oh ha ha I say...no no...that is a story for when we sit down. I waited for awhile thru dinner before making my announcement. They were so sympathic and it turns out that the one with the 2 kids, happy life but $$ problems, had a/i to have her son. I couldn't believe it. It was so great to talk to someone who had been thru this and who understood IRL that is. So, although they were a little mad I hadn't told them sooner, they understood and were awesome. I was pretty excited. So, even though I did most of the talking it was a really good night with the ladies. And, of course they all want a phone call after the surgery. Still can't believe its coming so soon. I am getting a little scared. But, thats a post for another day.

Sick Day

2009-01-22T16:41:00.000-05:00

So, today I am home for a sick day. I woke up with some very bad "digestive" issues. I am feeling better, but definitely feel like someone opened up my insides and told me that everything needs to get out! lol Sorry if that is too much information. I don't really have anything going on except that the hospital called today to do preadmission paperwork for DH for upcoming surgery. I am sooo excited its less than 2wks away until we find out our fate. I am going to my therapist tonight (if I can lure myself out of my pjs) so that should be good. I always feel so much better after my sessions with him. I am loving ICLW week!! Thank you to all that have commented and decided to read along with my journey. I look forward to getting to know all of you better and hope that I can be inspiration for as many as have been to me thus far.

Couldn't help it...I was bored at work....(Thanks Jendeis)

2009-01-20T14:42:00.001-05:00

Simply copy the list and cross out the ones you have done. (Because I am slow and couldn't figure out how to "cross them out" I decided to make bold the ones I have done!)

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/World
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang/played a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors (assuming that New Jersey counts)
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling (if snorkeling in your own pool counts!)
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House (I am counting being on the outside as a visit)
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Made a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Its Official Feb 4 is the new D-Day!

2009-01-15T13:27:00.000-05:00

So, as per my previous post, it is now official. My DH is going for the MESA on Feb 4th. We are both very excited. Can't wait to hear the results. Now it's just a matter of figuring out finances. We were both very much aware that this entire adventure was going to cost a fortune, but I don't think my DH was really prepared. He almost had a coronary when we got the Insurance info sorted and figured out what would be out of pocket. And, that's just for him and this procedure not the possible IVF with ICSI. It's okay though, it just means that we won't be able to put the pool in this year :0) Or the next :0)

Looking like Feb 4Th is the new D-Day...

2009-01-13T14:08:00.000-05:00

Okay, so we have DH's MESA scheduled for tentatively Feb 4. That is of course assuming that the person from the RE's office is available that day. I am really excited. Please let this be it. You know? I feel like saying please just give us a little bit. Kinda funny but I went to a psychic/medium yesterday. I know, we should be saving $ and I go and spend $50 on some lady but I'll tell you it was awesome. She said that she saw me and DH having a baby the non-conventional way and that she saw surgery occurring within the next 3 weeks. I know weird right?She also told me that it would "stick the first time" and asked me if I knew what that meant? Too funny. I know that some believe its malarkey and sometimes I do too. But, hell I'll take any type of positiveness in my life I can get. Oh and did I mention she saw two girls! My DH will love that if it comes true. Don't get me wrong he will be thrilled no matter what it is as long as its his, but he really really wants a boy. He really doesn't want to deal with the dating issue with girls. But, oh well, if its meant to be that's it. :0)

Meeting with the Urologist

2009-01-09T10:14:00.001-05:00

Okay, so yesterday we met with the wonderful doc who will be performing DH's necessary procedure. It turns out though that he does not agree with starting with TESE and says that he is 85% positive we will find the little swimmers by just doing MESA. YEAH!!!!!!!! Here we go again we are treading up the roller coaster. Click. Click. Click. We are waiting to hear from his office today to schedule the procedure. It looks like it will be done either the last week in January or first week in February. Maybe we will home together for a few days around the Superbowl that would be sweet! :0) Anyways we are both feeling really good about all of this. I just have to keep praying and crossing my fingers and toes. What if any were anyone's experience with MESA? Did it prove successful? Was it a waste of time?

Decided to do TESE

2009-01-08T08:48:00.000-05:00

So, after deliberating for a small amount of time we decided it was a good idea. There was no reason not to try it according to DH. So, he calls the urologist to set up a consult and I still can't believe it but we are actually going TODAY!!!!! I am very excited. The doc is apparently going away next week and had an opening. Hopefully, things will continue to run this smoothly! :0)

The results are in...

2009-01-06T11:18:00.000-05:00

So, I have been waiting patiently to get the results of mine and DH's bloodwork from the RE and I finally talked to him this morning. It turns out that even though we were hoping for a positive CF it was not. Apparently, all of our hormones are normal. YUCK! See now that it is positive the RE is sure that DH has NOA. YEAH!!!! (Trying to be sarcastic in hopes to not cry). Our next option is TESE, if we choose and of course DS and adoption. Not exactly what I wanted to hear to start of the New Year right, but I guess there is still hope right? I had to call DH at work to tell him the news...he sounded awful. I have been so depressed the last week or so and this just seems to put the icing on the cake. What can anyone tell me about TESE? Is it worth it? The doctor told me there is something like a 20-30% chance of finding sperm. What the h. e. double hocky sticks do we do now? And, how do I keep DH feeling okay when I too feel like the world is crumbling down around us?

The Day After Christmas!

2008-12-26T13:25:00.000-05:00

Hello to all of my friends! I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday. I still can't believe that it is over already. Now, granted we still have to get through a few more social gatherings and of course New Years..but Christmas is gone. Another year done. This year was especially one that I felt very grateful for all of my family and friends. I was very emotional, as I am sure all of you can relate. However, now that we have made it through Christmas, I can really look forward to the New Year. I am very positive that this year will be a great year. And, I wish not only for myself, but for all who have been so kind and supportive of me on here that this New Year brings all of our wishes to life...whatever those roads might be!!! So, Happy New Year Everyone....start making those wishes!!!!!! You will all be in my prayers!!!!

Wintery Day

2008-12-19T13:10:00.000-05:00

So today weather wise is awful! It was snowing and now its icy rain and snow on and off. I am at work just wishing to be home under the covers, cozy with my doggie, reading more of "Eclipse" Book 3 in the Twilight series. I also have 5 dozen cookies to make for our work cookie swap on Monday; not to mention the cookies for the family for Christmas. Way too much to do..really don't want to be at work. My lack of concentration is outrageous. I can't get anything done.

So, today my biggest issue is with my so-called BFF ...let's call her J. A little background info. She will be turning 30 in '09 and is the only one in our group to not be married, engaged, thinking of babies, anything. She just bought a house about 2 minutes from me and DH which is great. However, she made this decision after breaking up with her boyfriend of 5 years after living together for the 2nd time. He told her that he has no plans on marrying her and that he had cheated on her. All she wants to do is get married. She wants to be where we all are and thinks that her life is going to be over at 3o if she is not. Amazingly, they are back together after a 2 month period off and seem happier than ever. She is holding on to the dream that he will one day propose. I hope so for her sake...but who knows.

Anyway, back to the reason she is my main focus today, she does not seem to care at all about the azoo and what we are going through. I know that she is just jealous about everything, but my thought is that no matter how you feel, if you are a BF you would try and be there for the other person. I get nothing. As a matter of fact, before we found out about the azoo I had stopped smoking ( unfortunately after 6 weeks free I went back due to stress..not an excuse, I know but at least something I feel in control of at the moment) because we were going to actively start trying. She got pissed with me. Told me that we couldn't be friends if I got pregnant. It would kill her. Then when we got the diagnosis, I can't help but think that a small part of her was happy. I know that that is an awful thought, but lets look at the track record. Anyway, we also work together so I see her just about everyday and I am starting to feel that we are growing apart. I hate that because I do love her and I will need her support, but I can't deal with this. She never asks what is going on or how I feel..nothing. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to lose her and no matter where I was in life (getting married) and she wasn't we were able to get through it. This time its different. I want her to be apart of our babies lives (finger crossed) and I can't help but think that she won't. Should I talk to her about it? Or just let her deal with her own feelings and maybe she will come around.

OBGYN....Are you kidding me???

2008-12-17T13:16:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I had my annual with my OB. I was not exactly happy about it, but really who ever is? However, I was especially not happy with having to see him as he is the man that about a month ago told me the wonderful news of my reproducing future. I managed to calm myself, its routine, no biggie. I bring my book (Eclipse) I am totally addicted to the Twilight series by the way. And, I manage to make it through the almost 45 minute wait. It was also very comforting to be sitting in the room, waiting for him, while staring at the wall of the chart of how the baby grows after certain number of weeks...who cares????? (How was that sarcasm?) Anyway, he finally comes in and starts asking me the generic questions (How is work? How am I?) And, then says, so it says here in your chart that you are off BC..do you want to talk about that? What??? Of course I want to talk about it..I am angry and hurt and are you kidding me??? I then proceed to tell him that yeah, me and the DH had been to the RE last week and as soon as I say DH's name it hits him. Oh my how could he have forgotten?? I mean seriously what does it take 5 seconds to check my chart and see that I was here less than a month ago???? He feels awful at this point because for some unknown reason I break into hysterics. Really it was like I was 5 years old and just fell off my bike. I can't stop. He takes my hand and tells me everything will be okay. Then he proceeds to tell me that DH and I should really consider donor sperm. It is the most cost effective and will reek less havoc on both of us. And, from what he sees he thinks this or adoption are our only options. WTF!!!!!! That's what I say. You didn't even remember who I was do you honestly think that I am going to listen to anything that you say? You sir are no expert!! You couldn't even look at my chart before talking to me. In his defense I know that he sees a lot of patients and he just thought this was routine, but I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I left there soooo upset. He apologized like crazy...but I still couldn't realx. I got in the car, called DH, and had another what I can only describe as an anxiety attack. I couldn't breathe, I was hysterical crying and screaming. Did I over re-act? I have a tendency to do that.

Waiting....

2008-12-16T11:46:00.000-05:00

Both DH & I went for our second round of bloodwork and are awaiting the results. Mine should back today or tomorrow and DH just shortly after. I am pretty sure that these labs are to check for CF and others to try and figure out "why" with my DH. I can't wait to find out results. Even a small amount of new info would be better than none.

In other related news, I am finding this holiday season to be a lot harder than I originally anticipated. As I spend time shopping with the masses I can't help but be more focused on every child that I see. I look at them and feel such sadness. I know that it is silly to feel that way because I don't know what my future holds, but I think that is the main cause of my sadness. My DH and I were in a Christmas store in the mall over the weekend and as is our yearly tradition we were looking for something new to add to our holiday collection (i.e. an ornament, a figurine, or fiber optic something or other) and as we are Irish (my DH was born in Ireland and moved here in the late 80's) I found myself in the Irish section. I was doing fine until I saw baby booties with shamrocks that said "Baby's First Christmas". My heart sank. My husband was close by and quickly caught my face and jumped on buying an Irish Angel. He said that this one would be much better this year. I love him so much. I can't wait to start a family with him, as I know he will be a fantastic father. As much as I wanted to drown myself in wine when we came home, I figured it was better to just get a good night's sleep..the way I see it as each day closes its one day closer to becoming parents....one day....as we wait.

First Appointment with RE

2008-12-11T16:42:00.000-05:00

So, my DH and I went to meet with our RE yesterday. What an emotional roller coaster that was. He was awesome. I really do like the doctor and have high hopes that he will be our savior. However, he killed me yesterday. After sitting and talking and "getting to know us" he decided that he wanted DH to give a specimen and he wanted to examine me. No problem, although DH really hates doing it into a cup...but I say deal with it! He tells us that if they find sperm after looking a certain way they will freeze it right away that day. I couldn't believe it..that day. He then continues to tell us of a couple who had just been in last week and the DH was diagnosed with azoospermia also and he found sperm that same day and all is well. Well, boy did that bring me way up in hopes that we could be just as lucky. He told us that he would call us later that night to tell us the verdict and sent us off with scripts for more bloodwork.

After attempting some Christmas shopping, which I don't even care about, we were home waiting and waiting and waiting for the phone to ring. Finally around 6:30 pm he called...no sperm. Well, hello!!!??? Didn't we tell you that???!!!! I was sooooo upset. And there I was falling down the roller coaster. I guess I was praying that he was going to solve everything in the 1 1/2 hr session we were there...NOT! My mom keeps telling me that everything is going to be okay and I just don't know. Of course she is just as heartbroken but she keeps telling me that God is trying to teach me patience. Please! I can't stand this. I feel miserable almost all the time. I am isolating myself from people and I fell so self-involved that I don't care about Christmas..my favorite holiday of the year. Will this go away? How do I calm myself down? I also think that I am starting to have panic attacks. Oh man, I must sound crazy. I am done babbling for now. Will post soon!